PUBLIC LISTENING: CHILI’S
BARBECUE SAUCE USA
Maybe my favorite YouTube video of all time is only a minute long and shows a crew of session vocalists cutting a jingle for the casual dining chain Chili’s. Like many Americans, the tune in question has been burned into my brain, where it will stay, forever.
"I want my baby back, baby back, baby back."
Made in 1998, the video documents the second iteration of a jingle advertising the restaurant’s famous ribs. For it, Chili’s hit up a murderer’s row of vocal talents: Alvin Chea, who is a member of the gospel acappella group Take 6; Dorian Holley, who has sung background vocals for Michael Jackson; Louis Prince, who was the lead singer of The Temptations from 1977 to 1980; and Oren Waters, who did backgrounds on Thriller. The short YouTube clip captures the exuberance of that day’s performance. It looks like a wild gig, but it’s one that the singers are seemingly taking seriously and seemingly enjoying. After the final note, the studio engineer throws his arm in the air and gives a big thumbs up, like mission control after a successful moon landing.
I had to commute around two hours roundtrip to get to the closest Chili’s in Queens. Outside of a single Staten Island location, it’s the only one in all five boroughs. It was Saturday night and I was hungry. I know I say it too much on this blog, and I’m trying to say it less, but what am I doing with my life?
The Chili’s was in an outdoor mall, across the street from a cemetery, and next to a Subway—the sandwich chain, not the mode of transit. I had just gotten off the bus; I arrived as the sounds of "Love Rollercoaster" by the Ohio Players were dissipating from outdoor speakers. Upon entering, one of the first things I noticed was a sign in the back of the restaurant. In big block letters, it said BABY BACK RIBS.
I ordered a Diet Coke and a plate of nachos. It was nice to hear some Weezer coming through the system, even if it was a song off of Pacific Daydream, a record so bad that even I have a hard time defending it. The opening lyrics to "Happy Hour," which I do not remember from the one time I listened to Pacific Daydream in full, made me reconsider my assessment. "I’m like Stevie Ray Vaughan/On the stage, high on music." That’s a great lyric. The song goes on to reveal that Rivers is not on stage at all but stuck in an office building. Looking for a happy hour. Is Pacific Daydream Weezer’s Parrothead record?
8:41: Doobie Brothers “Taking It To The Streets”
The music was quiet. The Yankees were playing the Pirates. I stared at the Edison bulbs that hung from the ceiling. Chili’s used to have a defined aesthetic, one centered around the visual tropes of the American Southwest. Recently, though, it has become a victim of what the cultural thinker LindyMan refers to as refinement culture: the "general streamlining and removal of any unique characteristics" of a given person, place, or thing. Chili’s now looks like some combination of an office building, a Starbucks, and a Midwestern craft beer bar.
8:44: Echosmith “Lonely Generation”
The nachos arrived. They weren’t presented in a way that I usually associate with nachos, which is to say, stacked high, with fixins’ placed on top. The chips—and there couldn’t have been more than 10 chips—were covered with cheese and individually placed in a ring around the plate, with a trio of condiments resting in the middle. They tasted like a hockey rink. Shmacking! Apparently, Echosmith is a multi-platinum band. In contrast with that Weezer song, "Lonely Generation" has some of the worst opening lyrics I have heard in a minute: "We're the lonely generation/A pixelated version of ourselves/Empty conversations/I've disconnected, now I'm by myself." Get that shit the fuck out of a Chili's!
8:48: Stevie Wonder “Isn’t She Lovely”
The Chili's subreddit is an interesting place. It’s a convergence of insiders (Chili’s employees) and outsiders (Chili’s enthusiasts) and a home for both parties to unanimously agree that the restaurant used to be better. After four minutes, it became clear that we were rocking with the album version of "Isn’t She Lovely," which features a long harmonica solo outro. It made me want to go home and listen to Songs In The Key Of Life.
8:54: Shakira “Try Everything”
Apparently, this song is from the animated film Zootopia. I hesitated putting in my main order, which was a mistake. What was I thinking…Of course I was going to get the baby back ribs. Now I had to sit there, hungry and stupid, listening to a Shakira song from a Disney movie.
8:57: The Police “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic”
Fulfilling my destiny, I put in an order for a half rack of baby back ribs. Did Stewart Copeland’s drumming portend an entire generation of emo drumming? All that fussy cymbal work. I’ve been told that early on, people used to compare The Promise Ring to The Police. It seems like hardcore kids had very limited points of reference back then.
The waiter dropped a free refill on the table. When I lived in Los Angeles, I listened to Damn the Torpedoes all the time. I would ride the bus, lose my mind, and listen to Damn the Torpedoes. Over the past weekend, the annual Sustain Release techno campout happened somewhere upstate. Occasionally, I’ll think about a different life trajectory, one where I never attempted to “get my shit together,” or maybe one where I was somehow functional enough to never have to “get my shit together” in the first place—one where I could do drugs at a techno campout and not have a mental breakdown. All things considered, it was OK that I was spending my Saturday night drinking Diet Coke at a Chili’s in Queens.
9:05: Ray LaMontange “Supernova”
In the far left-hand corner of my sightline was a mirror inscribed with lyrics from the most famous Chili’s jingle, the only Chili’s jingle that matters. "Supernova" sounds right between The Shins and John Mayer. Just deep mid—maybe the deepest mid. I want to hear it inside of a funky punky Ohio coffee shop, the kind of coffee shop that feels ambiguously Christian, while sipping on some sort of a pumpkin spice drink.
9:09: George Harrison “Got My Mind Set On You”
The waiters wore a shirt that said, "I’m feeling fajitas and ‘ritas." How did it take me so long to clock that detail? I started to question my coherence. I was in no place to talk about a George Harrison song.
The Yankees beat the Pirates. I wish I was into sports instead of the shit that I am actually into. It’s not like I don’t like sports. I just don’t have the time or mental space to keep up with them; instead, I have to do important things like wade through Jersey club remixes, hardcore demos, and weird ‘90s radio mix shows. The Vamps are a British pop band.
I wasn’t appreciating the double hit of Sting. I had yet to receive any utensils. The ribs arrived.
9:20: Jimmy Buffett “Pencil Thin Mustache”
It’s not easy to eat ribs and then also type notes into your phone about both the ribs you are eating and the music that is playing as you are eating the ribs. So let’s start with the ribs: The ribs were shmacking. They could’ve maybe used a bit more sauce, but you know what? I can’t complain. I can’t complain about anything. The fries were salty and the mac and cheese was confusing. “Pencil Thin Mustache” was first released as a single in 1974. Chili’s might look like shit now, but at least they still play Jimmy Buffet (RIP).
9:23 Rolling Stones “Tumbling Dice”
I almost put the new Rolling Stones single on The Report last week, but then I rightly decided that was a stupid idea. It’s pretty good, I guess, if you like the band, which I do—it has to be the best thing they have done in at least 20 years? I’m no expert. It does feel jarring to detect a bit of vocal tuning on Jagger. “Tumbling Dice” always sounds good. The ribs were all gone. I was feeling fairly full, and yet…I was contemplating a desert purchase.
this series is a service to future cultural anthropologists and present-day readers
Lester Bangs meets Lazlo Toth for fajitas and ‘ritas!!!! 🙌