Growing up in the suburbs of Milwaukee, I had a “complicated” relationship with the city of Chicago. I wouldn’t say that I hated it; I didn’t feel the way some Philly people feel about New York City or Providence people feel about Boston. It was more of an ambivalence. Chicago is the third-biggest city in America. It’s the home of house music. It’s the home of Kanye. It’s the home of Alkaline Trio. It’s the home of all sorts of shit I loved as a kid. But I never seriously entertained the idea of moving there.
I have plenty of memories, both good and bad, and especially between the ages of 16 and 23, of driving down to Chicago and playing at DIY venues, dance clubs, and dive bars. There was a time when it seemed like I was in town once a month. When I was in high school, I played a few shows in the suburb of Oak Park, which would end up having unforeseen consequences. A bit later, in one of my many misguided attempts at pushing the zeitgeist sideways, I recorded with the house legends Joe Smooth and Craig Loftis. Whenever I went to the city, there were two things that made every show worth the trip: A mix on Power 92—hopefully by DJ Nehpets, hopefully including some juke—and a Chicago-style hot dog.
I don’t have many strong opinions about food. This is not John’s Food Blog. (My current three favorite things to eat in NYC: pork chop at Phở Hoài in Bay Ridge; rice noodle with beef stew at Yun Nan Flavour Garden in Sunset Park; al pastor taco at Taqueria Al Pastor in Bushwick.) One thing I do know is that the Chicago-style hot dog is the best style of hot dog. It’s a Vienna brand all-beef dog on a poppy seed bun, and it has the following confusing list of toppings: yellow mustard, sweet relish, white onion, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices, sport peppers, and celery salt. I eat it in four snappy bites, and it’s hard for me to finish it without getting a bunch of the condiments on my shirt.
Last week, my friends in the band JEFF The Brotherhood shared a post belonging to the official Instagram account of Vienna Beef: A Spotify playlist titled “My Hot Dog Order.” It was uploaded by a user named Big Frank. When viewed top-down, the playlist uses each of its 20 song titles to approximate the syntax of the perfect Chicago-style hot dog order. It’s a stupid gimmick, and it’s the exact kind of thing we like to fuck around with here at John’s Music Blog.
Jay-Z (Feat. Amil and Ja Rule) “Can I Get A…”
Writing about “My Hot Dog Order” only works if I commit to the bit, which means that I have to write about all 20 songs on the playlist. The life of a music blogger. Irv Gotti and Lil Rob’s production on “Can I Get A..." falls into a category that I’m going to call “fake Timbaland,” which is an interesting enough concept that it deserves its own blog post. It’s a low bar.
Uzbek singer Yusupov only has one monthly listener on Spotify, but his metrics are considerably stronger on other online channels. “Buncha'' is a fusion of traditional Uzbek music and electronic pop, and it has a good keytar solo. I am spending a fair amount of time and energy listening to a collection of music assembled to be used in a throwaway Instagram post by a hot dog brand. This is what it means to be a music fan in 2023.
I was surprised to see that “Vienna'' is currently Billy Joel’s second-most-streamed song on Spotify. It was featured in the legendary 2004 movie 13 Going on 30, which has endured the song to a younger generation of streamers more than, say, “It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me.” Listening to it doesn’t make me want to watch 13 Going on 30, and it doesn’t make me want to go to Vienna. It makes me want to hit Long Island, hit a diner, and get some disco fries.
Ethereal & Playboy Carti “Beef”
As a collection of music, “My Hot Dog Order” is more interesting than it has any right to be. “Beef” is a SoundCloud rap classic from Carti’s days on Awful Records. Ethereal’s beat is the star here—if you speed up that keyboard stab, you get yourself a dance hit, my friend.
Somehow, I don’t think I have ever heard Fruit Bats before. I won’t lie to you people: Right here, right now, as I type, this is the first time I am hearing Fruit Bats, and you know what? I am not liking them at all. Does the entire Fruit Bats catalog sound like this? I always pictured it as more of a Beat Happening type thing.
Finally, Phish makes it to John’s Music Blog. Or, at least, a Phish-adjacent side project. Gordon is joined here by a certified legend, and the result is some abysmal music.
The band that brought me to “My Hot Dog Order” in the first place. There aren’t many built like JEFF The Brotherhood. They can write a Weezer-level power pop tune one minute and then go kick it motorik-style the next. “Relish” is on the latter tip, a six-minute power drone made for staring at a lava lamp. It’s getting dark early, people—go get yourself a lava lamp.
An experimental Los Lobos side project? Don’t mind if I do! By the way, I can’t wrap my mind around The Bear. It’s hard to understand why such an Obama-era foodie show is making such a big splash right now. Maybe culture really is stuck. I do fuck with dipped Italian beef.
One survivor of the 2000s garage terrordome is Shannon & The Clams. And for a good reason: The band was always a cut or two above many of their peers. “Onion” is good enough to get burn at a campus party in the ‘60s. I always loved that Hunx & His Punx song “The Curse Of Being Young,” which I believe was written by Shannon Shaw.
Just Brothers “Sliced Tomatoes”
Now we are talking. This Northern Soul classic was sampled by Fatboy Slim on “The Rockafeller Skank.” I’m still reeling from that Trans FX promo video where they take a furry into a Fatboy show—in Portland, of all places.
If I had to choose between Barenaked Ladies and that Kottke/Gordon cut, I'd go Canadian all day.
Time to swerve into some fairly nondescript tech house. Maybe a year ago, I read a trend piece about Chicago-style hot dogs in New York. It felt more hopeful than accurate. John’s Food Blog tip: Dog Day Afternoon in Windsor Terrace makes a solid approximation of the dog if you don’t feel like flying to The Chi.
More generic electronic dance music. The pitched-down vocal here is giving me twisted Lonely Island-era SNL flashbacks: “Don’t you want to come and try my pickle?” To be fair, the pickle is a crucial part of the Chicago-style equation.
“And” is the sort of contemporary retro music that, upon first listen, seems custom-designed to get sampled by The Alchemist. That’s almost the case—the track was made for the “Madlib Invazion Music Library.”
I’m running out of steam here. But I have to finish the order.
It makes sense that the Chicago-centric brand Vienna threw “Oh Yeah” into the mix, whether intentionally or not. It’s a Bueller classic.
If there is one band appropriate for a hot dog playlist, it is King Missile.
William Corey “French Fries & Large Coke”
Whoever made “My Hot Dog Order” had to really dig for this one. William Corey has 11 monthly listeners on Spotify. “French Fries & Large Coke” is off of a record called Sky Vibes. I always thought a good name for a frat rap mixtape would be Dime Sack And An IPA.
Let me “keep it a Wilt” with you people: “Thanks A Lot” is, I think, Earnest Tubb’s biggest hit, but I had never heard it before today; I’m glad I did, though, because it’s a great song. I’m thankful that I spent a few hours listening to a marketing playlist created by a hot dog company. It led me to a piece of music that, in under three minutes, was more affecting than a majority of the visual art I have looked at over the past year.
Well, we made it through. I committed to the bit, but where did it get me? Please, put that on my gravestone: “I committed to the bit, but where did it get me?”
Are Spotify & YouTube scammers not counting streams? https://postimg.cc/HJxxZDVm
I asked a rhetorical question. They cannot count scrolls, they can only count clicks on a video. How can they count what a person scrolls?! Anyone who believes that YouTube is an honest company, the same company that censored and banned anyone who warned people about the "Vaccines," then you're really gullible. Is nobody going to do anything? No reports to the FTC? No lawsuits for blocking information? https://postimg.cc/8sWSjfgW