THE REPORT: 1/5/2024

BLOGGING THRU THE SICKNESS

Nettspend “Shine N Peace (duble Hardstyle Remix)”

I’ve been laid up all week with a stomach bug, so it makes sense to kick off 2024 with a piece of pure internet vomit. Here, duble’s hardstyle kicks get chucked over music from ultra-online teen rap phenom Nettspend, and if you have no idea what some of those words mean, congratulations: You might be an adult. 

Letsmakenothinghappen “Live At Programme Skate & Sound 12/15/2023”

Well, it’s finally happening. There is a Zoomer screamo band out there playing shows wearing matching pink shirts and white belts. For a certain specific segment of the John’s Music Blog readership—I’m thinking around five people, all over the age of 35, probably all friends of mine—it’s a development that will be both troubling and delightful. All that’s missing is a microKorg and some athletic headbands. I’m not sure if I am the right state of mind to attempt to explain “sasscore” right now.

Uncle Murda “Rap Up 2023 Pt 1”

Is RXK Nephew just Uncle Murda for people who take pride in having “cutting edge” taste in rap? Is RXK Nephew to Uncle Murda what Pharoah Sanders is to John Coltrane? These are not questions I have answers to; I couldn’t even make it through more than a minute of this track. I blame the bug.

Khanate “Like A Poisoned Dog”

The rare metal drop on The Report comes in the form of a 2023 comeback cut (I slept on it) by doom masters Khanate. Bask in the glory of guitar amplification—vacuum-sealed, slow, and bleak. “The years they pass / The years they pass / But those motherfucking amps keep feeding back.” That was a song I wrote a long time ago. Unreleased.

Nicki Minaj (Feat. Lil Uzi Vert) “Everybody” 

Nothing makes me feel more like a Washed Millennial Poptimist than enjoying a Nicki Minaj club track that samples “Move Your Feet” by Junior Senior. But I’m simple and stupid. Maybe I’ll put on an episode of The Office later. Maybe I’ll go fry up some bacon.

MIX OF THE WEEK: Anz “Piano Tunes Vol. 4”

The cozy holiday season has ended. It’s time for the neverending winter. But keep those Christmas lights up for a little bit longer and throw on this mix, which is a tribute to the power of the piano in dance music, because we need all the help that we can get. I’m going to fucking boot up the lava lamp tonight.